Breaking Up With Andrea Bargnani

We were both so young when we first met

Andrea, it’s just not working anymore. No, no... let me finish. We had a good run, but I think it’s time to move on. 

Sure, there were good times. In 2006, when you came into the league as the 1st overall pick, I couldn’t wait to see you night after night. Things even got serious a couple times: remember your first few years in the league? When we made the playoffs two straight seasons? I thought I’d never get over Vince, but you helped with that. 

Or remember last season? When you started off at an All-Star level? That was fun too. But you just couldn't keep it up Andrea. So let’s be honest with each other here: it’s been unravelling for a while now. I know it’s hard to hear, but deep down I think you knew this was coming.

Your field-goal percentage has dropped each of the last 4 seasons, Andrea. Your points-per-game has dipped each of the last 3. For a 7-footer, you’ve never averaged more than 6.2 rebounds-per-game. 

I know you’re trying. But I needed more from you.

I’ve tried to be patient, but you just haven’t changed in 6 years. Your bad habits are still there: you’re still a pitiful defender; you’re still a black-hole offensively; you still settle for way too many jumpers. I tried to put Vince and Chris behind me, Andrea. I tried. And yet here you are, the same man I met 6-plus years ago. You haven't changed. I just can’t do it anymore.

You see Andrea? It's been falling apart for years

We’ll both be OK. 

You’ll land somewhere where there’s a little less pressure on you. A place where you can find a nice role, and don’t have to be “the man” every night. 

Me? I’ll bounce back too. In fact, it’s already kind of started. I know you don’t want to hear it Andrea, but I’m already seeing someone else. His name is Kyle (... there’s DeMar too). Things have started off a little rocky, but I think there’s a real future between us. Please try to be happy for me.

I’ve been beating around the bush a little bit here, so I’m just going to say it (be strong, Andrea): the Raptors need to trade you. You aren’t in the long-term plans, and I think we’re both at the age where we need to move on. 

I know its painful to hear, but thank you for letting me get this out. You don’t have to move out immediately, I’ll give you until the trade deadline to find a new place. But for the good of both of us, you need to go. The sooner, the better.

It’s not you, it’s me. 

Actually, no, it’s you and your pitiful play on the court.

I’m sorry, Andrea.